I FEEL FINE: Freaked-out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.

Feelings. Are feelings meant to be shared? If so, how come we don't always express our feelings toward one another? Are we scared? Do we fear rejection? Why is it that when one is asked "How are you?" a common response follows, "I'm fine, thank you." When both of you are well aware that that couldn't be farther from the truth. Most recently I have developed a phrase I use quite frequently - when someone is poking fun at me and teasing me incessantly I just say "hey - feelings...yeah, I have them and they're hurting." Though I'm merely responding in an experimental way to see how people will react. Most of them apologize, but the truth is, they didn't really hurt me, because I am aware that they're playing with my emotions in a loving manner - so it is easily shrugged off. The truth is, I tend to hide my true feelings most often than not, while revealing them at the same time. Its complicated, but not. Basically, without verbalizing them, people can usually tell how I am feeling through my actions. When I feel sad, I act glum - I become lazy and nonchalant. When I feel happy, I smile and jump up and down, occasionally encountering laugh attacks. Whomever I am around, I make my feelings very well-known, without the realization that I am doing so.

Lately I have been experiencing a variety of emotions. Living in house of 7, thats certainly not unusual. I feel so alive, yet dead at the same time. I feel as though every contribution I make to this world doesn't change anything in the big picture. I feel as though the harder I try, the harder I have to try. I feel that acting appropriately is inappropriate if it compromises who you are and what you stand for, especially if its to meet society's expectations. I feel as though people who say that they care don't usually act on their feelings. I feel as though 'good enough' is never good enough. I feel as though there is a difference between conformity, generalizations and coincidences. I feel like my voice is insignificant and all my expressions will remain unheard and that no one really cares. I feel underappreciated, undervalued and unworthy. I feel ignored and alone in a world that focuses too much on belonging and positive change. I feel as though no one has ever felt like me before, when chances are, they have. I feel better about myself when I help others feel better about themselves. I feel as though self-help books are a waste of paper when all people really need is a hug. I feel that if I stop feeling, people will stop caring. I feel as though I am more understood by others than myself. I feel confident. I feel as though confidence is the best attribute anyone can possess. I feel satisfied and let down at the same time. I feel like I'm making a difference by encouraging others to make a difference. I feel loved. I feel like a waste of oxygen sometimes, merely because others aren't breathing and I often take my breaths for granted. I have asthma and I am not a fan of it at all. I feel as though my feelings are often conflicting - they change so rapidly I barely have time to recognize them. I feel torn between frustrations when I am unable to find the proper words to express my precise feelings at an exact moment - and analogies so often fail to justify them adequately. I feel as though everyone can hear but no one wants to listen. I feel most compatible with those who are silent. I feel I don't express as well as I'd like to. I feel horrible for doing the right thing for the wrong reasons. I feel pressured and insecure. I feel like I will never meet anyone's expectations, including my own. I feel like I have never felt before - but what is this feeling? I feel like everything I do, everything I say, and everything I don't say affects others in ways I can't explain. I feel defeated when someone keeps their feelings in and then erupts with emotions uncommon to their character. I feel helpless. I want so much to help others, but often fail to realize they're as stubborn as I am and don't want my help - even if they secretly need it. I feel like time passes too slowly, but life goes by too quickly. I feel appreciative of everyone I've encountered in my life, good or bad, merely because they have contributed to the person I am today. I feel like I have always felt, but now in a grown-up sort of way. I feel like a 5 year old trapped in a 21 year old's body. I feel taken for granted, while unknowingly taking others for granted. I wish I didn't feel the way that I do, but I can't help how I feel, I just do. I've recently come to realize that words tend to overwhelm people, and that "sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me," is the biggest lie ever told. When I express my true and honest feelings toward others, they act in an awkward manner, usually because they are not used to being put on the spot, or recognized for their greatness. I feel this is a shame, and I so often wish the words that were written or thought were expressed more frequently toward others. I feel like each day is a blessing in disguise, some of us are just better at finding it than others. I feel high as a kite and low as a rock. I often wonder how I managed to end up at the top of the food chain. I'd like to think I'm unique, just like everybody else. I feel like me, who is that? Not you. No one can ever feel like I do, only because they're not me, they don't know. They can develop ideas and pretend to relate, but really, feelings are like pain. Pain cannot be shared, merely because each person's definition of pain is different. I am currently in pain from snowboarding this past weekend, but no one feels my exact pain, because they are not me, and they don't know what's hurting. They can only relate to my pain through the pains that they have endured throughout their experiences. Pain is subjective in my eyes and so are feelings. We feel because we can. To be numb in our feelings I feel is denying the potential for hurt and mental destruction, but also to be loved intensely and appreciated greatly. Without feelings, the majority of us would be lost. Feelings are crucially important to humanity - we can't help each other without expressing our deepest needs and desires. I'm in a feel-good mood. I'm emoting my feelings. I feel as though emotions and moods are a necessary part of life. I feel blessed in my current surroundings and I feel as though our world needs to feel, to care, to recognize we can't live alone. I feel the keys on my fingertips and am glad they work in sync with my mind to share the thoughts that I'm having with you through the internet. Is that not amazing? Don't deny your feelings, and don't spare the feelings of others if it hides your true feelings about them or yourself and your current situation.

Feelings are meant to be felt, to be shared, to just be. I let my feelings define who I am.

I know how I feel; I am well aware of my feelings, and I am more than pleased to share them with the world or whomever stumbles across my written ramblings in the blogosphere.

Music expresses feelings so well - one of the reasons I love it so much.
"I feel pretty, oh so pretty."
"I feel good, I knew that I would."
"All I want to do is have some fun, I've got a feeling I'm not the only one."
"I know how I feel when I'm around you."

alphabet

How amazing is it that 26 particular markings make up the English alphabet, and in turn, limitless amounts of words can be made. Thats mind-boggling! Simply uncanny if you ask me, and I absolutely adore it. I have strange fetishes, I will not deny them. You're reading this right now because you have the capability of comprehending 26 different letters in numerous variations - pretty amazing I would have to say, sorry but I just can't get over it. The cool thing about writing is that you can say the same thing over and over again but in many different ways. This came across my mind a little while ago, I've recently taken a HUGE turn/interest in reading and writing, and I've been researching things and looking into journalism and all that. So on Sunday..."The Notebook" came to mind for some reason, when Noah wrote Ally everyday for a year - everyday for a year! thats intense, how much did he have to say? and what was he saying? and although the book is fictional, I'm sure someone has written someone, that much. I would put pickles on it, which I don't have, but thats how positive I am, I'm betting something I don't have because I know I won't be needing them. I think it would be absolutely wonderful to receive a letter everyday from the same individual, because so many thoughts run through our heads daily, and even when we repeat stories and feelings, we express them in numerous ways. I mean, no two letters are the same when you think about it, even when applying for a job, you make a few adjustments to every cover letter you attach to your resume for that particular position you may be interested in...and if you don't, you might want to look into that, that is unless you're perfectly content with whatever you're doing and wherever you're doing it. With that being said, I have nothing left to say, except that I'm going to go indulge myself in some intense reading...26 letters, millions of words, infinite books, newspapers, magazines and periodicals. Blogs even! Pretty incredible when you think about it...and then you wrap your mind around other languages and thats even beyond your comprehension of clarity and concision. Anyway, now that I have made your mind conscious of what we rarely tend to think about on a day to day basis, I leave you with this

"don't judge a book by its cover" - it rarely does it justice.
"don't judge a book by its movie" - you will be gravely disappointed.
"do not judge, lest ye be judged" - God's got that covered

Today, I thank God particularly for my sight, along with many other gifts he has bestowed upon me and those around me. I adore them all.

lights, camera, action!

Its Superbowl Sunday! and I've come to realize, the superbowl is like a holiday, it brings people together, in good cheer...or if the team they're rooting for loses, they're there to support one another. Maybe that sounds more like a funeral, but I was thinking along the lines of Remembrance day? Yes, my logic is illogical - oh well, deal! Today has been a terrific day thus far, Sunday school with Mike was -as always- good conversation, and his sermon was stupendous and Jonny's worship leading was awesome! My throat really hurts right now, like someone has shoved steel wool down it, but I'm pulling through, Robbie got me some mint tea from Timmy's today - that was delectable, and we had a potluck afterwards which was wonderfully delicious! Laura drove me home and I was sharing all my brilliant ideas with her for the upcoming weeks. I would enlighten you as well, but some of my ideas involve a sense of surprise, and I may potentially ruin it for a few of my readers, so I shall refrain for now. So if you were unaware, I'm auditioning for the UPEI music program March 15, so I can attend Sept.'08, and I have to sing 3 songs, one in Italian, one in English and the third in German. So the other day my professor asked me to translate the German song, so that I am able to sing with conviction, and after about an hour of translating, I closed the book and read the cover "German-English dictionary of Idioms" so I was coming up with phrases such as "pretty as a picture" thinking they were using the word in a sentence...nope! Which in turn means, I'll have to return to the Robertson library and re-translate. The word yippee enters my mind. I'm currently watching an episode of the It Crowd which is absolutely hilarious as well as completing my theory work for class tomorrow. I also need to do laundry - but enough about what I have to do. What do you have to do today? Or rather, what have you done? Does it involve saving the world, maybe you should reassess your list. Did you make a list? Perhaps I should reassess it for you. I think I need to purchase more paper so I am able to write more lists! Aside from this listless thinking, I will be traveling soon, I'm not entirely sure as to where yet, it could be Alberta, British Columbia, Cuba or Nova Scotia - or maybe I'll just stay here. After all, tourist season is fast approaching and if everyone thought like I did, no one would be around to share the experience of traveling - and meeting new people! (are you sensing a connection?) I can't wait until we are all able to teleport, which is a super power I would very much want to possess [telekinesis that is, because teleporting is transporting {of body} by telekinesis (moving with the mind)] I am currently writing all of this out to inform a friend, his name will go unmentioned. Anyway, my thoughts are distracted, if you weren't able to distinguish that already, so I should bid you adieu for now. Be blessed, not stressed - and remember...

Sunday is God's fun day!

I started to speak

and discovered that some words can make just as much as an impact as actions. O.K., so I may not update this blog everyday, but technically I never said that I would, but rather more frequently. Yesterday was pretty terrific if I do say so myself, I went to the grocery store with Praymore and we pretty much did it up, not going to lie. Grocery stores are as fun as buses, and if you think neither of those are exciting, clearly you haven't experienced them like I have.

Today was equally as good as yesterday, probably better, because its another day. I just finished a 9hr. shift with my favourite co-workers...which is pretty much all of them, but select few in particular, I know I shouldn't have favourites, so perhaps I will say those individuals with whom I work with and are quite compatible toward. I worked in fitts all day - I'm always in there now, and I totally love it! My favourite is when I make people laugh [fact: when potential buyers are in a good mood, they tend to buy more!]

Do you ever have those days, where you have lots to say and yet you're somehow content with just saying nothing at all. So often we regret the things we say than the things we do not say. But think about it this way, you meet someone and hit it off great, right off the ol' bat as some like to say. This individual is not a Christian, and you embrace that. But what if you're the only individual who could truly reveal Christ to them and you don't for some reason, you hold back because you're afraid of disrupting something that is going so well. But how many people do we meet on a regular basis and never mention Christ? (for those of us Christians, then again, even non-believers tend to bring up Christ every now and then) I realize its harder to walk the walk than talk the talk, and to some, witnessing may even seem like a chore. How do we bring it up? When should we stop? Should we stop? What signals are we looking for? So many things run through our mind during the encounter of establishing an acquaintance, that they somehow get confused with embellished conversation, like "How are you?" "Oh, I am fine thank you."
I usually tend to think to myself, are they really fine? and if not, what is on their mind. I'm a very curious cat, I try not to pry, but I tend to be fairly inquisitive, and blunt - which have their pros and cons [to each their own]. I know that when people ask me how I am doing, I want to say so many other things than 'fine' or 'good', but that might take up too much of their time, and perhaps they were just making small talk, I never can tell really.

I'm not necessarily precise with where this is leading, however. What I am aware of is that we need to befriend people more often, again, easier said then done, but we shouldn't do it alone either, numerous people tend to become more comfortable around a group of people than one on one, or vice versa. Basically, do your thing in pairs, there is power in numbers and promise in pairs. Its hard on your own, you don't need to shout it from the rooftops necessarily (its pretty icy up there anyway), but you could whisper it from chimney tops (use caution). I suppose this is just kind of on my heart, but don't wear your faith on your sleeve, share it with others, shower them with clothes of compassion. It won't be easy at first, or maybe even at all, but you won't know unless a convicted effort is put forth.

You won't know until you've tried, and if you have tried, I'm encouraging you to try again, and tell me how it goes. And if you're not comfortable with blog responses, you can talk to me any time, or email/phone me, whichever. I'm open to all forms of communication (which also happens to be the shortest distance between two people) and with that said...

Communicate Christ fellow Christians! Spread the Word siblings!

So I was thinkin'...

I do believe I have recently developed a strong enjoyment from reading and writing, and I was reading through all my old posts on this blog, and all the comments people wrote to me. And I'd like to attempt to start that up again. I miss feedback. I miss being able to express all my thoughts without any interruptions.

Lets see where to begin, so many things I'd like to say, but if you know me, you probably know most of life happenings, and if not, well I'll do my best to inform you.

Today was a fairly slow day. I had concert choir from 4-5pm, that was exciting, then I returned to the college, and was lonely, so I went downstairs and visited Laura, and her and Valerie invited me to Sherwood's College and Career group that Jason leads. It was pretty terrific, I wasn't entirely sure as to what to expect, but it was better than anything I could have concocted in my head. We discussed a disillusioned vision of the church and active participation vs. passive evaluation and second hand faith...and just sitting there, with everyone, being able to discuss important matters that are relevant in our lives and include God overall, it was just really awesome, I'm thinkin' about definitely going out more frequently. Afterwards we all went to DQ, and I discovered I like ranch dressing on my onion rings. We had a good time, I had some good laughs.

Today was a blessing, without the disguise.